I have been trying to blog for a long time but for some reason, like the dark cloud that has been hovering around my heart for ages now, it has been the same for my words. They keep getting eaten up in this dark abyss that tells me there is no point. Nothing I want to write about seems to really matter and yet, writing has always been a place of safety for me. For as long as I can remember and when I had no other safe place, writing kept me safe. And because I know that, because I know the release from my heart and soul when I put words out there,,, today, I choose to write, no matter what. There may be no sense and there may be no point but maybe if I put the words here, they will stop swirling around in my head.
And really, I think what I am trying to say is this: I am tired. Tired of so many things, too numerous to list. I realize that to be the Girl Set Free that I am longing to be, I have to battle. Battle hard. Battle even when I am tired. Battle when i am weary. Battle when I don’t think I can win. Battle when I don’t see the point. Battle anyway. Battle on.
The other thing I have come to realize, though it has taken many years, is that I am not alone. I walk among so many other battle-weary friends and yet, none of us realize we are amongst each other. There is a lot we don’t talk about, a lot we are not willing to admit. And can I tell you, that makes me, well, tired.
Things have just not worked out the way I expected lately. Things have been a lot harder than I imagined they were going to be. I am not finding that the older I get, the easier things become or the smarter I am. In fact, maybe I am finding that nothing is easy and I am not as smart as I once thought I was. And yet, I think this is exactly where I need to be.
It took me until about 3 years ago to realize that the majority of my life was one huge uphill battle. I was starting to come to terms with so many battles I was fighting everyday and didn’t even realize it. I was realizing that what was a downhill coast for others was an exhausting battle upward for me. And for years, I just kept it up. Trudging, climbing, one step after the other, until one day I stopped and realized, with sheer exhaustion, that when I tried to look downward at what I have conquered, I was still at the bottom of the mountain, looking up.
And so why am I blogging as Girl Set Free? Because one day I realized just how very free I am not. I realized that more than anything I long to be free from all of the heavy baggage I keep trudging around with. I realized that to be free, I was going to have to get there on purpose.
The thing about ever getting to a new place is that first we have to realize where we are. How can we recognize the top of the mountain if we’ve never come to terms with the bottom of the mountain?
We all have our baggage and we all have our ways of dealing with it. Many of us choose to keep it tucked in, nice and tight, right beside us, and then wonder why the battle upward is so hard. We wonder why we just can’t get that foot out in front of the other. And when I say “we,” I really mean “ME.”
It isn’t enough to just cast the baggage off, blindly, either. Now, that would be easy. The thing about God, however, is that he likes to dig in deep and get to those dark place of our hearts, where He can really clean us out. Every single one of those deep, deep bags needs to be emptied out, right in the presence of His light. Every little trinket of sin, doubt, depression, fear, anxiety, and past regrets has to roll right on out of those pockets and be dealt with.
Every father that never wanted to take responsibility.
Every mother who only ever thought about herself.
Every single person who was too shortsighted to understand, too selfish to care or too busy to notice.
Every single minute of hurt, fear, abandonment and distrust that became the heart that beats inside this girl.
This Girl who is so very NOT set free.
And so now, I can be free. Just like that. In a minute of recognition that I am bound up and imprisoned, I realize how very free I can truly be.
That is the thing about being free. You have to first realize how un-free you really are.
While I still sit at the bottom of this mountain, still battle-worn and tired, the tucked-in and hidden baggage is no longer my companion. The loving and healing hand of Jesus and His truth leads me, instead.
The journey up the mountain begins now.